Major Butt Head *salute*

Posted by Felicia on 1:30 PM in
I am going to break a parental silence to disclose something.
Sometimes I don't like my kid.
There I said it.
Please don't get me wrong,I LOVE him with a love that has no end and I would gladly lay down my life for him, but sometimes he can be a major butt head.Now before people start sending me hate mail, I will explain my feelings.
When I became a parent I was overwhelmed at the amount of love I felt for that tiny little person they handed to me in the hospital. Someone took my heart out of my body and put it into my arms. I looked at him and saw how insignificant everything else seemed in comparison. This was love. I was sure that nothing could make me not like this child. This wonderful, blessed, beautiful, angelic child. I was wrong. I have learned many things over the last 10 years. Mainly, that even though he is my child who I hold in high esteem, he is also someone who thinks for himself, has opinions, and differing views. He is a person like that.
My awareness of this began when he was around 2 years of age and we had some difficulties as any parent of a 2 yr old has.The truth is that you are not "parenting" your infant so much as you are just a "caretaker". The real parenting comes closer to age 2, and then the shit hits the fan. Anyways,back to age 2. Besides being utterly adorable with their chubby feet and hands and their sweet smiles and baby like ways,they can also be whiny, petulant, ornery, and frustrating as they struggle to assert their independence. They can be difficult and challenging to even the most patient of saints. I knew this going in having worked with kids for 5 years prior to his arrival. What I never expected were the feelings and thoughts that this little person could inspire in me and the thought that he was not my favorite person in the world at that moment, and that I didn't really like him right then. I felt immediate guilt and suppressed my ugly feelings because I reasoned with myself that you can't say that about a toddler who is only being a toddler. It wasn't his fault. It was me, and I clearly had to change my feelings. How dare I have any other thoughts or feelings other than true adoration for MY child. The guilt was horrible.
As he grew up I reveled in his achievements and supported him in his failures as he began to become his own person more and more. Every now and then I would have those same feelings again when he was being difficult and he would yell at me about how I was wrong and mean and anything else you become in your child's eyes when you put up boundaries they don't agree with. I pushed those feelings down inside myself-again.
We are in a new stage of life as he is making the break from early adolescence to pre-teen. The challenges get harder and the attitudes more prevalent. The guilt had been getting stronger. But lately I have been thinking a lot about all of this and it had lead me to some conclusions that lessened the guilt and had me breathing a sigh of relief. My child is his own person. As a person he is entitled to a full range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that will take him through this crazy world. I will not always agree with him nor he with me. He will make me happy, sad, mad, disappointed, and loved. How can he be any different than any other family member who drives you bat shit insane sometimes? He is not. Just because I gave birth to him and have unconditional love for him does not mean that I won't have feelings of dislike for him at times. I have dislike for myself at times when I make mistakes. Inevitably it is the people we love the most that can make us feel this way. I don't love myself or anyone else less just because I am mad at them. I may not want to be around them for awhile, but it passes because you forgive, and move on. Love moves on. What I think is the hardest part is realizing that your child can disappoint you. The biggest disappointment can be seeing your own faults in them that you couldn't see in yourself.
This is something I rarely see being talked about with parents, and I just felt that it needed to be shared in case anyone else had feelings like this, but felt too guilty that other people would judge them harshly. We can't do that. I cannot be the only one nor do I think I am. I see it in my friends when we talk about the tribulations that our children put us through and we joke about wringing their little necks and the like, and then we giggle and say "Just Kidding! I love my kid. I don't really feel like that. The truth is sometimes, we do. We are human. There is no shame in that. It is what we choose to do with that emotion that can make or break us.
I think my son is an amazing little boy; He is smart, witty, funny, sensitive, loving, and compassionate. My heart overflows with love for him. He is learning and growing. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes me proud. And he also makes me not like him sometimes. That's okay though because I know underneath that dislike is an even deeper feeling of love. The dislike is temporary for nothing can break my bond of love with him. Nothing. He is a person. He is my son, and sometimes he is a major butt head.



I think this is one of your best posts yet.

I struggle with how I react in those moments with my own son. Those moments were I just want to tell him he's being a rotten brat. We LIKE our friends, we don't necessarily always LIKE our family, even though we will always love them.

Most moments my son is my best friend. Literally. But there are some moments that he pisses me off to no end and I turn into the bitch I hate to be.

I know he loves me, but I doubt he likes me in those moments either.

This was really fantastic Felica.

I just love this. Seriously, this should be in some parenting magazine or something, because it is SO true! As a mom whose son is 2 1/2, I definitely know what you mean about the transitions our kids take from our babies to becoming their own person. Thanks for saying it "out loud!"

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Hi. I just want to add an Amen. You are definitely not alone. Those feelings are hard to deal with, but ending the taboo on discussing them is a great first step.

Natalie sent me over here. I'm so glad she did! As a parent of a 10-yr-old (girl), I know what you mean definitely!! Kudos for saying it.

I'm just glad the worse name you could call him was butt-head. We are all human and no matter how much we love our kids, there are plenty of times we dislike them greatly.

Well put my friend.

And wow... where the heck have I been? I am a little behind with posts.

I'm not a parent yet, but I really really really loved your honesty. It's not easy to say what you did, but its better than the sugar coated version of parenting which I'm terrified of. Thanks.

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